Thursday, 29 December 2016

A Silent Scent


an anonymous Naked Lunch inspired illustration




(another) one of those nights.


the sort you have when you are re-treading old ground, not sure if it's your own footsteps or another's coming up the hall of time, treading water in the dusky light of an oil lens mind.

the sort of night when she is nothing more than a lingering memory and the silky salty taste of tar and drink, a scent on the air where the slats over an open window filter particles of possible worlds into the slipstream of an endless, timeless moment. 

one of those nights when you know you have been here too long but the movie is still about to begin just like it always was.

the phone rings, distracting me from working. it's her agent asking me to meet, sounds flustered. I find myself halfway down the hall throwing on a borrowed jacket and i find myself, waking to a world softened by the creamy prosaic. 

Ahead the music of the cities background charms seduce me through its streets until i find myself again knocking on her door, how many times, there's no counting. 

A bolt slides with a clunk and I'm drunk enough to boldly step inside. Trouble is this is not the same room as before, something has changed I can't quite place my finger on it.

It is so tempting to edit this and describe that as being a Silent Scent on the air ... changes the meaning significantly. At what point do you decide the language is worth more than the intended meaning of the story, engaging with the ancient rite of sacrificial accuracy a blasphemy to some, nectar to others who sup of the hedonistic delights, smoke rising from feelings to illuminate the night in colours of a hidden twist, not to be missed if you have a heart for it and yet a poison to those born of day and drinking light.

A writer and an agent perchance would make these choices together for the vitality of a text, irrelevant to ninety-nine percent who happen upon this text but oh so damn critically important at that frozen moment of self-acclaim regarding repute and skill as a developing word worker narcissistic with inevitable self comparison to the role all writers assume, illustrative of challenges they go through.

People hate that level of decision making and writers are notorious for it. Just write the damn book says everyone in the industry and fans alike. The sort of fan which jams in its slow spin from a ceiling, stirring up air like a trawler dredging a sewer which once used to be the sea of promise.

When it gets to that stage of head-up-its-own-ass self-indulgence the very best thing to do is delete the text and free the words and concepts for some other future aspirational initiate to find and reform, the way they always do.

Can't do it though because right now this very moment the attachment is still so strong. When you can not tell if it is the best or very worst thing you ever wrote or read, that is when to shut the lid and step outside and put the thing to bed.

When a writer begins writing about writing, it is no longer valid, it has become an indulgence, the trap all writers face eventually.

And there she lay, the change upon her quite beautifully evident. Surrounded by black ink stain of words and letters melting into the carpet, furniture, clothes, her body face down on her favored rug, still as dead.

In her hand a pistol and her last novel dis-arrayed around her, a long and detailed suicide note apparently, a story worth reading.

The agent aghast had missed that one vital clue only a lover would know. The pistol loose in her open right hand upturned. The dame is not right handed.

So begins the first chapter of A Silent Scent, a penny dreadful abandoned before all Hope and followed by the sound of a paper being torn from a typewriter, crumpled and thrown into the heap surrounding the waste paper basket in the corner of a staling room.

Another swig from the bottle and another take on the matter entirely.

  
words ©2016 Ordo Octopia





Infinity & Denial








1  Always do the right thing.    "A sorcerer acts impeccably" Don Matus

2  Faith that Cosmos conspires to look after you, 
    that Medicine Journey teaches you what you need to become what you truly are.



You have to go through everything to get to this stage of comprehension. You have to do it with forgiveness and acceptance to remain spiritually unscathed. By this time you stop criticizing. By this time the ego is a tool, not a ruler. By this time you can see through everybody, their veils are lifted from your eyes even where they are covering their own eyes from seeing Truth.

Going through everything, forgiveness and acceptance means knowing how things work. And they do not work how you want them to. They do not work how you think they do. They do not work how you think they should. Because you have not factored for everything yet. You have not factored for the things which you deny to be real.

We live in a world where there are stories beyond the limitations of your belief. The credibility of those things is not what is being judged. Your acceptance of the connotations of the concept of "infinity" is what causes you to be tested.
There is the absolute of Truth and there is distraction. Your Heart is the gate and the probability is that you are keeping it held shut. It is elastic and it hurts like an asshole to stretch it open too far. Experiencing all of that pain and letting go of it is necessary, to use it as a wide open eye, to know Life for what it truly is.

The ancient symbol for this is Udjet. Such symbol necessarily functions on many levels of perception. Udjet is the receptacle for Djed the pillar, the vortice. Udjet is gate of the vortex, all that which flows within its gaze, the insight of a farseer, that which we call Pharoah, one who has seen far, whose radiance projects form into the world.



"We See As We Sey" ancient proverb




Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Blue Star Kachina


Blue = Throat Chakra = Communication

wavelength = 450 - 495 nm
frequency = 606-668 THz






 




TODAYS DATE
(as i post this)

27.12.2016
=

2+7= 9
1+2= 3
2+0+1+6= 9
=

939

with resonance from
"9th and final sign"


"Purple does not exist. 
The harmonic range combined between Red and Blue spectrums;
we create that. With our perception. We project it." 
Woodstock (Mike)





this blog post follows directly from:



World In Transition


A Leap of Faith over the Chasm of A World Split Asunder




world in transition.  

The reality is so much more flabberghasting that most of us cannot cope with it, when we can it is difficult to sustain for long. It is splitting into two - the prophecies of indigenous people all over the world - one is a high vibrational state where our projected thoughts manifest as events in mass-time and the other is a denser vibration where our experiences are a consequence of events in mass-time. 

In christian tradition these are described as Heaven (light) and Earth (mass). Nothing to do with religion, simply the physics being described by these symbols. Our species is accelerating, evolving, to understand better this environment we are all sharing, what it is. There has for a long time been a cap on our perceptions preventing us all from seeing the other side of the cap, the higher frequencies. 

Now as the structures supporting it are decaying, the cap is being lifted. Recognition that everything is made of energy bound into form and motion - and that the form is not rigid but malleable, and that we are capable of experiencing outside of that form by vibrating faster than that form vibrates at, which occurs naturally at death and when we dream or have out-of-body-experiences, astral projection, etc. 

The surprise is that there is not only one dimension up there, heaven, white light, source, whatever it is called but there are an infinite number and what enables us to access them by observing and interacting with them is the imagination. Which immediately means that every fantasy fiction ever invented is not fake, those places are literally real places. Because outside of the grid of time-mass, of material dimension below the cap line, the physics are such that what we imagine and project into it, finds form. 

The more believers in any concept the more real it becomes, the more rigid its physics become, time structure depends on mass depends on the density created in belief in that universe. Historically we tried an experiment to give people access to it and the result was they re-created exactly the same universe they already knew because it is all they could imagine. Most of them relied on more creative people to imagine it for them. 

This is what 'the war for our minds' is all about - programming people to imagine en masse a particular dimension so that it can be exploited by those who know how. Another similar experiment caused tragedy because the bastards seized control and enslaved everyone by putting their grid onto everyone. This is a time when we are discovering ways to sustain our own individual manifestation. A time where the people preparing the next generations to experience even more of a break-down of the conventional physics which hold the grids into place. Effectively the dreamworlds and the world of mass-time are merging, converging. Those returning toward higher frequency ('the light') are flowing magnetically toward it, leaving behind the density. Everyone finding their own spectrums, their own balance, entering their own dreaming. 

It is coming to a time where we will be able to hop through into dimensions which a few, visionaries, creatives, imaginators, magi, can see approaching - even while in the physical domain of mass-time. We are entering what the mayans call the 5th Age but most of what I have described here is what the mayans call the 6th Age. 5th age is that of urban co-habitation, the ways of the people, everyone learning to live together sustainably. 6th age is when the veil lifts entirely and we can all stop hiding our true souls in human bodies because - Morpheus describes it in the Matrix "what you look like (in reality) is residual self identity (of what you looked like in the matrix)" - we will stop having to wear human form and will wear our own true nature, openly. 

So many people are so confused and do not even know their own true nature anyway. The first lesson of human co-existence, of the 5th age is that to survive it, we have to explore the contrasts between compromise, conformity, community and fuckthatshit I am unique individual who needs to fly. 6th age is when we fly. As a species we are evolving slowly, moving at the same speed as the slowest moving member. 

Transmigration of the soul and re-awakening of past-life self into one continuity is a part of waking up to what we really are, what the soul really is. Time dissolves and perception, eventually will be able to handle time dissolving, the grid loosing grip, as much as letting go of the body.  

"No form of energy ceases - it transmutes"

There will come a time when we will be able to hop between different bodies and forms of physical life, time-mass, will emerge which can host such souls. A lot of them already exist. A part of the cap is that it causes us to experience time as a linear event flowing in only one direction. Another is that our body is bound by gravity, by mass. The evolution is the shift up toward a higher state where the rules of physics are very different from what we have become used to for thousands of years. It has been a gestation phase in our development. 

When we see events in the world around us - our emotional and mental attachment to them binds us to their flow instead of to our own spark - energetic attachment to density placed in time. Detachment from all that causes us to see more purely what is happening. When we are free of the distraction of daily needs and the needs of the aging ailing body, Newtons Law of Thermodynamics no longer an issue for us on the other side of the cap. We will exist at a higher harmonic, the other side of the speed of light where our thoughts, emotions, instincts, will be the conduit for travel and manifesting experiences, we will no longer be bound into this physical world which is described as Purgatory. We are infinity and no form of energy can exist in any single state infinitely, if it does so it drops away from us so fast that it falls backward into time and becomes irrelevant. The more we let go of and flow only in our own sustainability, the more rapidly we accelerate. 

This lesson has been revealed to us ever since we swam up from the bottom of the oceans in an ecstasy of decreasing pressure and broke through the reflective water surface into the skies to see the stars. The configuration is shifting because the reflection is no longer distorted by distraction and confusion, by sansara and conditioning. Our species is getting its mind straight by setting aside mind and flowing with intuition, doing the right thing. 

We are generations away yet, a whole Age of learning to balance in relation with others, the 5th age is reflecting back at us as we enter it. Those stars though - they are breaking through to guide us on faster streams of light than we previously thought possible. Of course because belief is a factor of manifestation - be careful whose belief's you choose to follow. Only your instinct, intuition, is the real truth to guide. 

People who do not believe we are immortals incarnate, who do not believe the veil is lifting because of galactic alignment - they are going to go to wherever best suits their next step in the journey the same as for all of us, they will repeat it again until all of this makes more sense to them. If their density is such that they are holding the flyers and dreamers back, they will drop away into insignificance, into the past as their weight cannot sustain existing at such high velocity. When we let go of material bonds we are floating in a center from which we project reflections of our own souls design. Seeking its balance and radiating. Materialism is mass-time. When we let go of the bonds of time - we can go anywhere. 

The Heart is the center of our Being.







"The Center of Centers is Everywhere;
The Circumference is Nowhere.
All things were, are and shall be:
Of One, Through One and To One."
-Jakob Boehme




This blog post is followed directly by:






Monday, 26 December 2016

Bondage


I have never particularly been an active member of "the BDSM community".

My own sexuality fluctuates between absolutist heterosexual and bi-curious. 

I was raised to be gay by a lesbian mother and I rebelled because my own true male nature.

As I get older and more confident in myself and in revealing my feelings on the topic to the general public, basically as I give less of a shit whatever anyone thinks of me and trust the universe to get to know me instead of projecting bullshit onto me, it becomes easier to face up to the fact that we are naturally a promiscuous and bisexual species which has been screwed up by generations of social indoctrination with the intent of controlling and exploiting your sacred sexual-spiritual energy.

I have had exclusively female partners with the exception of losing my virginity by being gay raped as a young teenager. This has had consequence of screwing me up about it quite a lot. It was 8 years before I told anybody what had happened and it has been more than a quarter of a century since it happened. 

Some of these female partners have shared and showed me various aspects of BDSM. 






The big question which nobody discusses and it needs to be, is this: 

What exactly is meant by bondage?

To most people the word envisions latex and handcuffs, whips and perhaps blindfolds. Increasingly, gaffa-tape, rope and ball-gags. 

The word has one simple meaning which is not what is pictured above.

It means sharing experiences, putting your trust-partner through experiences, designed to make you both more intimate with each other, by stepping outside of normality (your own and society in general) and into an energetic space where the two become bound to one another, not merely physically but more especially emotionally and mentally. Naturally this incurs all manner of behavior which would be regarded as outright abusive were you to walk up and do it to a stranger in the street. Otherwise please let me know your postal address. In easy terms, this involves the importance of kink. It need only be light-hearted.

Bondage games are those which are designed to make couples more intimately bound. It is bondage to one another, so that neither strays or at least so that they both always return to one another whether they stray or not. It must be done In Perfect Love And Perfect Trust.

For me BDSM was all about sensory expansion for purpose of increased conscious awareness.

Heightened pain, heightened pleasure were methods for achieving this. I had studied the concept from books of ritual and theoretical magick. Bondage was the need for sharing a complimentary (female to my male) nervous system which the owner trusted me enough to reprogram, so that we could balance one another and achieve heightened perceptions together. The result - there is a reason why the word magick is used to describe what is attainable when people do this. We functioned from the center, the heart, and on expanding that. We were trained by Thanateros and the Order of the Morning Star although we mutated the teachings to serve our unique explorations. What we achieved by doing so went much, much further than the scope which the secret schools were even aware.

Envious third parties destroyed us because we did not protect our relationship enough to reject those only ones who could control us sufficiently to drive a wedge through us - parents. We were both in bondage to our parents who owned us and they twisted and manipulated us until we tore apart. Our bond was not perfect because our Trust was not perfect - because by circumstance we were forced to trust third parties who should have been safe however turned out to be untrustworthy. It has taken fifteen years to heal that wound.

Currently my main focus is on educating the world that the reason why men and women both have two nipples is expressly for the reason that we are designed to be balanced energetically by having both nipples suckled on at the same time on a regular basis - which requires two other people willing to become involved in such affection.


Tuesday, 29 November 2016

Streamlined Lives


FantasyReality blog series



Streamlined Lives

Games with advanced character creations such as Chaosium’s Stormbringer and Call of Cthulhu, followed by White Wolfs World of Darkness where this is most especially notable: character creation goes through a process of expansion of ideas followed by reduction of ideas down into a streamlined version of the original concept. Critical judgements must be made as to the most complete and cohesive version of any character - criteria being that somebody else on picking up the character sheet would be able to play the character accurately. Because the detail is all recorded and wholesome, the shape of the character can be easily identified. 

In real life we do not have this - we do not know our personal limitations prior to ‘playing’ aka living our life. We find our boundaries as we go.

“You never know your boundaries until you go beyond (surpass) them.”

It is improbable that the CC Engine was designed for this purpose specifically although it has become a major notable feature. In Sorcerers of Ur-Turuk I discover the same thing occurring with the Vahnam - often i will build the troupe around a concept for a group, including additional characters who I sketch out and then drop in favour of more probable ones. These guys then become the basis for another Vahnam. As a GM it is useful to have vaguely sketched out Vahnam to drop onto playing groups. As a player it is useful to have a backup for when the inevitable story arcs result in death of a collective.

The concept of Streamlined Lives is zen minimalism of self. As I write this I am surrounded by boxes ready for the move into my new house next week. A collection of material possessions which do indeed possess me and inhibit my freedom to such extent I now have sciatica of the lower-lumbars which forces me to take a break from packing. None of this stuff has great monetary value and I face up to how nostalgic I have become over the years, how little it actually serves me. My grab bag consists of wallet, child and handful of kids toys and munchies. As a seasoned adventurer I feel deeply that i should be less scholarly wizard requiring a multi-level tower to store things in (which obviously attracts bandits) and more travel light.

The Streamlined Self is about the personality and skills set. It was a cyberpunk aesthetic enjoyed by hackers (back in the day we called them Deckers from first edition Shadowrun). The zen argument is that the original is the best, the first instinct is the purest. Martial Arts of Mind and Matter.

I have too much clutter and perhaps this is why psychologically I cannot see the wood for the tree’s. We don’t know our limitations in real life. We do not have skills set listed as numeric attributes. We are very fidderent from role-playing game characters. Or so it seems at the time.

I did write a character sheet for myself once, using the Kult rpg rules system. It permeates. The madness is not the supernatural, esoteric experiences and insights - the madness is in fitting a round peg into a square hole and discovering that one has become alienated from the Human Race for intercoursing with Aliens. In the land of the blind the one eyed man is not King, he is wearing an eye patch for self-preservation.


Seeking the Land of the Far Seer

We invented our own rules systems and stripped it down to an in-house engine which we later discovered to be a parallel version of the Fate rules utilised by many post-21C rpg’s worlds, including Jadepunk, Tales of Kasao City.

A character description, background, a small handful of versatile skills and items carried. Not much else is required because Common Sense is the ruling factor in developing story arc. We can do this with rpg. There is a theory that we can do this with real life, however, real life being what it is, things are seldom so simple. I know from my own twisted experience how far off the beaten track a life can go and then, when seen from a different perception, how simple it all was really. If I had know that all along I would have stressed far less.

Thus as the lessons in zen become the wisdom of a master, the elegance of simplicity is appreciated. The one advice I give to anybody is to keep it simple and rejoice in facing problems - the stress of feeling overwhelmed is truly not worth hanging onto.

Occasionally we meet a true master - somebody who knows themself well enough to recognize the limitations of others, even when those others do not know their own limitations. These are a caste apart. They have levelled up beyond our ability to see their edges and this is despite them clearly seeing ours even when we do not. A battle of acceptance ensues as to whether we respect them enough to allow them to define us - much of the time a master-in-training will be projecting their own limitations onto us, attempting to redefine us, the strawman mentality, prejudice, not recognizing us for what we feel we truly are despite our being unable to express that yet.

Occasionally we encounter those who are beyond that - true masters. The difference might be how balanced a person is with themself - how much they lie to themself and others, the word ‘integrity’ means both ‘to integrate’ and ‘honourable’. Adepts aspire to becoming this. 





Other blogs in the FantasyReality blog series: 




Saturday, 19 November 2016

Sakura and Makkuro



Yukio Mishima, Spring Snow (春の雪 Haru no Yuki)

The lovers chose these verses from their cultural history to express their feelings. Mishima chose this device to express how, in cultural history, compatible energies emerge and find their way to connect.

This is a law of physics we call magnetism. It applies through all creation. It applies to us and to our work. Gustav Jung called it Syncronicity which James Redfield used in the Celestine Prophecy. Another word is Syncopation. Jung, like many shamen explains that it is responsible for sensory Deja Vu, "when two timelines converge".

The beautiful book is not specifically about this, or, perhaps it is.

Apple and Heart



Apple and Heart

are the same symbol in Egyptology


the Heart is elastic
muscles hurt when stretched
needs to open wider
to support the amount of Love
We need to Flow
Self and Others
to Grow
the Withering option is poison
one bad apple (spoils the urn)


"the pain which we feel is the Love we with-hold" Vasseius



We have a twist at the center of our heart


Americanadian Indian Medicine Wheel


Buddhist Dharma Wheel of Life



Terence McKenna's Food of the Gods posits Psilocybic mushrooms as evolutionary Soma, Tree of life



awesome movie



anubis the guide weighing of heart and feather ceremony to determine best trajectory for transmigration


cat slays serpent with blade/feather to feed roots of sacred ished tree with apple/blood




Seti I under the sacred ished tree, Temple at Thebes


Ankhor Zen





Monday, 31 October 2016

Korg

I did the MENSA IQ test and I am in the spectrum described as "genius". It is something which I am not showing off about, it is simply statistical data. I told a few people but so far nobody has asked me what I believe myself to be a genius at. Most people think genius means mathematician because they clearly are not themselves great thinkers. My genius is fucking esoteric to most people. This post should give you a clue. It is not a topic which people like to believe exists, until they have no choice but to accept that of course it does. Most of the time it alienates me from society and is a problem rather than a benefit.

Age 16 I slaved and saved for a Korg G3 multi-effects processor. It is soft gothic and beautiful and people told me it was crap but when I played with it I thought it was better than the alternatives and recognized that they were wrong. Kids being jealous. I got seriously into it. One night I was in headphones - these devices sound different through headphones - clearer sound than a guitar amp. I discovered if I leaned the guitar up and hit the strings with a pencil, with the settings set just right, it made 4:4 techno music but the texture, the tones, so fruity it was like eating chocolate raisins with cinnamon, fire coloured shapes and a deep indigo blue tone, I started seeing sound as colour, well it made me aware that is how I see sound. I learned about synaesthesia after that, and Kandinsky. 

As I was enjoying this sound and wondering how to record it to show others, I went deeper into the trance and I had a telepathic experience. I saw a face and felt his heart come through into the same heart space as myself. We saw that we needed more complicated machines for changing the sound in different ways and together we visualized that machine. I did not know what it meant only that the music had somehow connected us. It was about ten years later before I connected with the very same guy and we started making trance techno music together on Korg electribes. That was about ten years ago. 

This is why Korg are the best machines - because they have a telepathic element which reaches through time to set in motion events and meetings through which creative development occurs. When we shamen explain this to the money people the money people call us insane. When we tell the money people that we are making goods to the value of they recognize that we are not insane. That creativity which can be commercialized occurs on more levels of reality than they can see, but that we know how to see into it - they get creeped out and reject us from their society. So our music is tribal and is not released commercially. Some people listen to it and say it is crap. But then we know - they are the sixteen year old jealous kids. 

So we play our music in the right places and to the right people and what happens as a result is those colours, that telepathic code, enters those people, through the music, whatever we have tapped into through our music which is something so much more powerful than we are. The best way to describe how to access this thing is that it happens when our hearts are happy. The question is - what or who prevents all our hearts from being happy and how can we remedy it? Everything which has happened in the space between this, all the different stories and experiences, only a few times have I seen those colours in other places. Most of the world is dry and dead and has no living music connected to evolution powerful enough to affect developing societies. Plugged into the matrix, the organic wild weave of timespace, our soul level awakenings. 

Now is the time to heal the world which means now is the time to start making this sort of music again and playing it in the right places. A lot of people are not connected to Life and they get frightened by it, attempt to repress it or control it or at least commercialize it for their own gain. Somehow every time third parties attempt to capitalize on it, the whole thing falls apart and the band splits, or the music goes crap and loses its connection to that deep pulse. We are still studying these phenomena. 

A lot of people simply are not yet ready to be awakened to the levels this shit works on. And for the record no drugs were involved with these revelations. When you mix drugs into the equation it becomes something else. We are not creating zombies hooked on rhythms, it is the opposite, we are releasing people from that - which is why the controllers have problems with this sort of music. Different brand instruments do not seem to open through in the same way as Korg. 

I am not on the Korg payroll.

Sunday, 30 October 2016

I, Daniel Blake


"The film has taken the very worst of anything that can ever happen to anyone, lump it all together and then say - this is life absolutely as it is lived by people." 


Iain Duncan Smith MP reviews 'I, Daniel Blake' the new Ken Loach film.




This movie barely scratches the surface. On top of everything it contains, add "misdiagnosed after allegation of being a drug dealer" which involves degradation from mental health and GPs who refuse to listen to the actual problem, and recurrent illegal searches of attic for a non-existent grow-lab which frightens my kids because someone has been in the house and moved things about, again, and social prejudice against people who have been diagnosed as mental simply to shut them up for exposing criminal activity and abuse networks in society. And ensuring Hate Crimes discriminating against people who cannot gain work due to misdiagnosis and the risk that kids are under with Social Services profiting from forced adoptions / child trafficking which is rife in Britain as it is a growth industry. The Ken Loach movie is barely the start of what real life is like here, its a gloss overview.




Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Mentation One

MENTATION ONE

There are layers of reality. There are layers of Mind. Mind is not what people are told it is. Shamen develop a recognition of what we are. Pharmacology funded Academic psychiatry and psychology research has missed the point. Mind is not unique to the individual. Ego is. Ego is a component of Mind. It is not the full extent of it. We need ego for individuality otherwise we would be hive units, bee’s following control-function orders from the super-ego and obsessively driven by addiction and subconscious reflex response of the id. When we detach from Ego, Mind is psychic. Either we are aware of this or not. When we are aware of it, we Observe what is happening. The word for this detached observer is Self. Self is not the Mind. Mind is Arena.

I developed a pictorial description for this. Your Attention focus is a cone. It can be sent outward into the external world and it can be sent inward into the arena of Mind. These are two distinct teachings. Here we concentrate on sending it inward into Mind.

The tip of the cone opens into a sphere. All individuals Minds open into this sphere. They do so either willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly, consciously or subconsciously. Programs come down from the Sphere into the individual. Programs extend outward from the individual into the Sphere. The more individuals who connect into the sphere, the bigger it gets. Theoretically it is infinite. Within the sphere is an ocean. There are tides. Some describe it as a sky. There are winds.  The currents are thoughts.

It is imperative to understand that thoughts are not the Self. You are not the thoughts occupying your mind space. Neither is that mind space the same thing as the ego.

We have to be very careful so as not to get confused as to the precise and specific meanings of each of these words and their associated concepts. Too many people use the words interchangeably and it has resulted in a great amount of confusion. I have attempted to explain what each word properly means and in a worthy context.

The intention of any evolving individual is to become the Self. The detached observer capable of using ones assets for their proper purposes. Ensure you study this and know exactly what word relates to what concept. It is imperative otherwise you will become confused. Mental Impairment is a tool of the Enemy of confusion and those who wield it so as to exploit you.

Your mind is full of psychic energy and this is a power. Many others will enslave you to their systems of thinking. Imagine the queen bee sending her control commands to the hive so as to exploit them to her game. Within the sphere of mind are many individuals and hive-minds who are strategically performing many often contradictory agenda’s. Your individuality is a problem to them. They will subjugate you and they are so much more clever than you. This is their arena and you are a newcomer to it. They do not all exist in the same time and dimension as you. The arena of mind is an overlap of many different spaces combining as one. We silently observe.

Each individual mind has a signature frequency, a texture which is traceable. This is not a place for fame and loudness. Those things will have you destroyed and enslaved into the grids of mind controllers. They will use your psychic energy against you, against your plans, desires, aspirations, hopes dreams friends family species, life in general. They will inhibit your freedom. Some are ancient and vastly powerful to the extent we describe them as daemons and dragons. These naming words are well chosen. We are irrelevant to them until they turn their gaze in our direction. And then we are toast. It can take decades to recover, lifetimes of reincarnation, to heal after coming to the attention of those. We avoid them. Silence, utter stillness, is your best hope for survival. For this we study meditation exercises. Often we dedicate a whole lifetime to this one single pursuit - quieting the mind. Stilling the mind. It is a survival tool. This cannot be emphasised enough.

TBC           ©2016 snakeappletree

Monday, 24 October 2016

Psyker's Tale

Necromunda Fan Fiction


Psyker’s Tale


When I was a kid i got into Necromunda. Back then it was called Confrontation. The world it occurs in is amazing. A Hive world. Architectural beauty scratch-built from trash. It is a world designed for bad feng shui. The people, the culture. It is constant warfare, exploitation, productivity, battle, machines, industry, pollution, toxins, mutants, some chemicals promote psychic development.

One of the psychic developments of this world is a rare girl child, one of the inhabitants. As she reached puberty in the lower city her family, a clan whose males either joined the gangs or became mechs or both, she reached out through the pain and contacted me.
I was going through the same emotional turmoil as she was, looking at her desperate future with no bright prospects, the inevitable futility of her life and the world she was born onto, poverty at best, degeneration at worst, even being killed in a street gang fight would be a blessed relief. I had been beaten up by my dad again after my brother did something and lied about it and told my dad it was my fault. Punishment first do not ask questions. Questions led to more beatings.

The same life for me as for the clan girl. She told me of a guy she had met who she cared for and hoped would protect her and she took my spirit and sent it into him. Together we developed his strength to protect her, as mine and his personalities merged she asked me for others to empower him.

My neighbours older brother used to hurt her. He was strong, wanted to be a soldier, and a lot of the tabletop battle games I got into as a child were the same vibration as he was attracting to himself. He joined the army and was bullied, tortured and finally pushed out of a moving jeep and he died.

He died after I had agreed with the Necromundan girl to send a whole life from my world into hers, to empower her and her boyfriend because that is how much she needed life force energy. We had shared our souls and were connected through desperation and love. My neighbour was the sacrifice. When events and contracts made during dreaming based on imaginary worlds spill over and manifest as realities in the physical world, it is obvious that imagination is a real thing and that the people living on those imaginary worlds are real people. Without doubt I experienced this as a lived reality.
Thousands of kids over many generations have played Necromunda and empowered it. It is a real place, a real dimension in an alternate plane to ours and the psychic people there are able occasionally to reach out and contact us. She was lucky - she manipulated her boyfriend to clear a space so that she could find employ in the upper hab layers. She had that level of intelligence born of struggle. She sent her thought-streams as grids up to the leaders and they, less psychic than her, believed those grids to be their minds, the obvious thing to do. She shaped the culture. It got to the stage where she was trading with off-worlders for the goods exploited from her planet, she was important and protected by coup and corruption necessary to maintain respect in a death-world society. 
Psychic projections cause ripples. Others are affected by them. I can name several people of my own experience who were on the same ripples as the connection made between myself and the girl. It has been thirty years since it occurred and now I am remembering it again for the first time since, re-living the experience and the patterns because now I am reading about Necromunda again and being inspired by its bad feng shui to construct cyber-environments for videogames. I am going into versions of that world and seeing with my whole being, minds eye, feelings, my soul is sharing with others there. A lot of them are less psychic than myself, much less psychic than the woman who I am seeking. She went hard. Cut-throat clever, a product of her environment, ruthless. 
Necromunda is described as a world with no humanity despite and because of overpopulation: limited resources. Only the fittest and cleverest survive. A belief in Luck denotes a belief in Hope. It is a hopeless world of despair. However they do have psychic development drugs there. Only their elite are supposed to have them although watered down dirty versions find their way to where they are needed. People are supernatural about drugs on most worlds.
The people of Necromunda are leeching energy from their planet. The psychic people of Necromunda are leeching psychic energy from societies of planet earth because they have a need to: to survive. This is only hinted at in the canon material but logical as they have so little of it for themselves. That its how humans are evolving in the Spires of Hive worlds. Most of them do not have any idea this is happening. Most of them are simply grunts, not psychic at all, barely more than meat-machines with rage and greed. The humans of the world I am on are not much better. 
Imagination is not make-belief. It is a window, a portal through to other worlds and we can communicate with others there. Some are brighter at it than others, have clearer vision and communication. Of all the worlds existing in the great infinity, why the hell did I have to connect with and be inspired by a brat bitch on Necromunda death world? Nevertheless it has been integral into forming my own character. I never mentioned this to anyone before. 
I love Necromunda. She came to love it too after she accepted it. Accepting that which we hate and coming to love it. Mastering it. Rising to power instead of being trodden down as the irrelevant underdog. The pain becomes our teacher, our friend, our constant ally. Now I bring visions of that world into our world by making video game sets for people to immerse themselves into it. Pictures are portals.

A lot of my urban art for VR is inspired by environmental models made by the game’s fans, capturing the mood of the place. Because I want to show others what we collectively as a hive mind are seeing, and to feel he love and pain, to accept. That this place is real, it describes how we are, whichever world we are from.

Necromunda is copyright Games Workshop Ltd

The Bit Taken From The Horses Mouth

The Bit Taken From The Horses Mouth

I recognised that by detaching from my mind set I can identify alternate mind sets with which to deal with any given situation. Stress pins you to one mind set, that of worrying and it is difficult to overcome. Reptilian cortex flight response. When I began explaining this to people, they did not hear what I was saying and they heard about ‘detaching from mind’ which they describe as schizotypal. 

The problem is that western academic pharma-funded psychology does not recognise this about that we have different mind sets which is a different thing from thinking that your mind is somebody else and being controlled by somebody else. I identified also that some mind sets are indeed following the flow of other peoples manifestation and that there indeed are manifestations governed by collective flow. There are positive mind sets, there are negative mind sets, there are slavery mind sets, there are empowerment mind sets. I decided to stay in creative-instinctive mind set all the time I possible could so as to be able to master my art and my flow of chi energy however I face blockages when others attempt to manifest me to within their paradigm. 

For example if a collaboration of people conspire that I am sick, and I enter their realm, I am more likely to be sick because they are projecting that onto me.

The one I have trouble with is making money from my art, chasing clients, I need help with that because it is very very different from creative-instinctive. 

Because I am different, outside-of-their-box, people project onto me a suspicion that I am crazy and therefore I am constantly on the defensive around those people. Deciding to avoid them is a better way of managing my life than arguing with them and persuading them that I am not crazy, it is simply that they are being assholes to me because they do not understand me until they change their mind set - look at it in terms of the right tool for the job.

I manage my mind until I am so exhausted that I need to rest due to mental impairment from fatigue (and dealing with those types of people is exhausting) - usually first thing in the morning on waking or late at night after a long day. Fatigue degrades our ability to cope well and being an insomniac is a biological response to avoiding the assholes who are generating electro-magnetic fields which affect my mind set and ability to adapt due to fatigue. These people are described as energy vampires. It is startling that so many of them are choose to work for the state system, attracted to the rigidity and fundamental approach that a person can have only one mind set and that a person is broken and wrong if they do not conform to that. 

We speak of it in terms of right brain (creative) and left brain (logic) thinking. The people who deny that yin, yielding-flowing or creative thinking is 50% of what we are as an organism are themselves broken and irrational as much as people who deny that yang logical assertiveness is broken. To maintain rational credibility we must identify that both are necessary. My lifetime of experiences with state workers indicates that they are left-brained and do not accept right-brained thinking as normal, they regard it as abnormal even when it is not problematic for the person in question. This is why they are themselves not rational people. They collectively reinforce their irrational belief structure and describe anything outside of it as abnormal. It is a major problem for people in general that state workers are like that. 

Meditation teaches us about alpha, beta, delta, theta, etc: states of consciousness. This is not factored for by state workers. I realise that I am better educated, better researched and more fully functional than the officials who write reports describing me as abnormal and suspect. This is of great concern. I know from association with people in society and reading widely on a broad range of topics that I am not alone in recognising this about state workers, indeed the majority of humans recognise that this is the case and the mainstream regards them as the abnormal ones, as energy vampires. However they write the official reports which judges in courts of law and order either accept as fact or deny as hear-say, depending upon the context and whatever the judge's mind set happens to be. These same left-brained officials use a different language to most people - what they call ‘alternate subculture’ is actually the way most functional rational people believe the world to be. 

We have a situation where a minority are dictating to the majority that the majority are wrong and deluded and that anybody who stands out from and does not conform to an artificial, non-existent state of being is ‘alternate’. This is a problem for society. Those who adapt to fit into society are not the problem unless they are adapting to a maladjusted and dysfunctional society. Those who stand out by living as well balanced, healthy people are described as social pioneers and innovators and also as ‘alternative subculture’. 






To expand on this I have recognised that the word and concept for 'set' which also means 'warren' developed from the Egyptian deity Sukhet, who later was re-named Set. The horned viper deity is the serpent which speaks with two tongues. Sukhet is a shape-shifter. It represents the mind, a duality occurring that it at once is flowing and unfixed of form while simultaneously it is a precise thing albeit one very difficult to grasp. Set is depicted as any number of animal forms - typically a Tapir (often called a 'pig') because they are stubborn and willful, yet are difficult to catch. As the pantheon developed Set is more recently associated with perversion and adversity.

It is not mistake that the acronym for the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence is called SETI.


Horus and Set create between them: Balance


Monday, 10 October 2016

Of One Mind



10.10.16

To Dr Razor,

Following our meeting of 20.09.2016 during which we were unable to discuss matters which we do still need to discuss, I am requesting another meeting, this time without Chopsy the Social Worker present so that I can express to you what it was I was hoping to during the first meeting.

Since that time I have finally acquired a copy of my case file from the mental health team in Newport and it is imperative that somebody from a more professional mental health team take a look at it with me so that my responses to some of the situations mentioned in the file can be taken into account.

This is the first time I have been able to ascertain in black and white what was occurring at the time circa 2006 - 2008. Basically, my parents lied to Dr Loony and to the mental health team in Newport, in order to - in my mothers own words - “I am going to have you sectioned.”

I believe it probable that both my parents atrocious behavior at the time was due to their fear that I might present evidence at their divorce tribunal. Neither of them seem able to recognize that I had no intention of being involved in either of their affairs, nor that because of their historic behavior toward me, my attempts to minimize their impact on my own life were frustrated by the lengths they both went to to control my life.

Unfortunately the mental health team in Newport did not recognize any of this either and preferred to describe my not wanting anything to do with my parents as ‘paranoia’ rather than the actuality, they really were both out to get me. The fabrications contained in the case file are evidence of that. I believe that my father being an old family friend of Dr Gone is probably why she was unable to recognize this.

I have written a full response to every allegation in the file, to justify my position, which has not changed throughout the past decade. The impact of my parents fabricating information in attempt to have me sectioned is significant damage. It falls well within criminal behavior as described by “prejudice” which is a form of “hate crime”. The mental health team in Newport are incriminated in this also. I have looked into taking the matter to court however I always have and continue to believe in not acting destructively toward other people.

I cannot get life insurance which I want to do because I have a son who will need financial help after his father (myself) passes on.
I cannot get a job because nobody will employ somebody with a history of alleged schizophrenia despite ‘equality in the workplace’.
I cannot get a quality life partner because of the social stigma.
I have been victim of hate crimes specifically because of the misdiagnosis.
I have been persecuted by the police for the same.
It has affected the outcome of family court proceedings which I have been involved with.
And so on.

These experiences have caused me a great amount of stress. Along with childhood ritual abuse and having had to deal with the manipulations of state workers all along the way due to inability to find employment, I sincerely believe that the symptoms I do experience are complex PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and not schizophrenia. There is an overlap of symptoms however when comparing the two lists (from the NHS websites) I do not experience, and never have experienced, the schizophrenia symptoms. All of those are in my case files because the mental health team in Newport spoke with my parents and ignored what I have been saying all along.

This includes allegations of attempted suicide (my father made this allegation, I did not attempt suicide), psychotic breakdown (my mother made this allegation after I disobeyed her when she told me not to visit my girlfriend who lived outside of my parents sphere of influence) and so on.

I am writing this suis juris, wholly believing myself to be of sane and rational state of mind.

I mentioned manipulations by state workers - this includes Dr Dickhead who told me that he would not refer me to your mental health team for re-assessment unless I said that I do hear voices. I perceive this as blackmail and a sick joke, to give leverage against what I am saying. I need to be re-assessed by somebody intelligent enough to identify that I was forced under duress to tell Dr Dickhead that I do hear voices so that I could explain this situation, the expression ‘risk taking one step back in order to get two steps forward’ sums it up well. I do not like lying and I especially do not like being forced into a situation where I have to lie. I believe this to be malpractice on the part of Dr Dickhead.

I am making a copy of all off my records available for public consumption. Obviously I will change names to protect everybody. I am a published writer with a readership of over 300 different people per week for the past 18 months if my website statistical data is correct. I have no reason to doubt it. It is hardly fame but it is influence. I will include a copy of this letter also.

Dr Gone repeatedly used the phrase “alternate subculture” in her report. I do not know what she meant alternate to. I would very much appreciate it if you take time to look at this following information regarding prejudice against alternate subculture which since 2009 has been recognized by the British Police and Government who have changed the law to include “alternate subculture” as a target of Hate Crimes equal to gender, sexual orientation, skin colour, disability and religion.

http://www.sophielancasterfoundation.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=100&Itemid=19
Sophie Lancaster Foundation / Hate crimes

It is a very popular topic and powerful enough in the minds of the public to have forced law reforms. I am certain that you can see how my case relates to this. This is why I am releasing the information for public consumption. I believe it to be my civic duty to do so for the betterment of humanity.

Please do not mistake my attitude as being ‘angry’. It is closer to a reprieve from ‘flight response’. My overwhelming feeling is relief that I finally have my case file to be able to respond to the situation forced on me ten years ago that has affected my life so much. I know from being me and living my life and experiencing what I have and do, that I do have cPTSD despite whatever the bogus reports and allegations contained in the mental health team in Newport case file say. My hope is that somebody in relevant authority can formalize this officially with a correct diagnosis. Having that in paperwork will change my life, will exponentially improve it.

I will forward you my response to the mental health team in Newport file in advance of our next meeting which I hope you will arrange a date for once having understood where I am coming from. It is a lot of writing so I have highlighted the most important parts in bold text. I have waited ten difficult years to be able to reply to the allegations against me. I will also be sending copies to the relevant people involved.

I hope to be hearing from you soon.
Yours in good faith,

me

no not that me I meant the other me

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

The Village

 Around here 'that Innsmouth look" is not fish, it is feline. The locals pronounce it feleen rather than the more normal pronunciation feeline which one will know if one has travelled or been programmed by the technological mind control devices which have flooded society in the guise of entertainment devices. Around here the locals are of such a mind to have detached from that and regard it as foreign and invasive, much as they do to anyone from the far side of the street, the next village or the neighbouring counties. Around here the self centered nature of the cat is regarded as normality, acceptable, the locals have problems with more open-minded attitudes and more experienced strangers bringing their strange and unsettling ideas and ways into the region. The village is culturally remote and a haven for those seeking to hide their pasts by embracing the local mindset and settling in as locals. As they say, "folks from around here ain't from around here" and for the most part this is true. The inheritance of local culture masks prison time, ex offenders, children of ex offenders and behind closed doors secrets that the single parent mums are so because dad is doing time, either because he was caught supporting her the illegal way or because she put him there to get him out of her way so that she could live uncompromised by having a man around who being father of her kids is at once less disposable than random strangers and more disposable than men who are so desperate for sex they will turn a blind eye to her nature and simply provide money. A lot of Ex offenders come through here as a halfway house and are exactly the manly sort of men the local women are attracted to. It takes several years of integration to recognize this about the place, beyond the facade of public image. The cunning wiles of the local women ensures all aspects of local culture conform to this unwritten code of conduct - the tradition is business as always, must be maintained. Those who cross the line are reprimanded with cruelty thus to teach.
The town could be any remote backwater community situated beyond the end of the main travel routes. All other subcultural communities are hidden away from the maintenance of local ways so as to be invisible and unspoken in public.
Here, anti-male third wave feminism has emasculated male culture although the Sport is permitted as a male interest. Most males hate the sport, enough are into it sufficiently to cause the majority to pretend to like it, they have to because the social pressure is profound. Men who are not into the sport are written off as breeders, regarded as non supportive of the potential mothers. It goes against the natural way but is described as being the natural way and most people are discouraged from questioning the authority of that indoctrination. Social memes, mind control projects, are rife here. The sport is boring and so I write about it objectively rather than in glorification for political pursuit of money, acceptability and female interest. Women hate the sport but regard men who share that distaste as second class, thus encourage it especially to male children. It helps to focus them away from becoming troublemakers, it helps make them predictable. And it reveals which males are the other caste - self thinkers, free thinkers and thus either to be rejected and persecuted, or to be bred from, depending on their aggression and criminality. The intellectual and effeminate, compassionate, empathic males are trusted to menial jobs in the female dominated council. Brutish males are bred from and encouraged to break the laws so they can be incarcerated when they are finally deemed to require the experience of jail time, to get them out of the way so the mothers can raise their kids without them interfering. You play their game or you are removed from society. The game is called "we change the goalposts to suit our whims."
Attempts to change this infrastructure result in persecution and being cast out of all factions of society. Strangely, the intellectual capacity and life experience of the cast out is much higher than the regular normalized acceptable folks who have made the necessary compromises to adjust to the local culture.

Dharma in Eden

This is 420th post on this blog.

It is copypaste from private text conversations during a time of revelation.


Last night (saturday) i lucid dreamed visiting a Tibetan spiritual master a healer, the name 'San Po' in my mind, he poked my left ribs hard and it plugged a hole where my love has been leaking out. I started to heal immediately, to see straight. How things are connected. Traditional instruments, drums and chimes, music as healing. His ally showed me to drink red top milk, a lot of it, calcium. Symbolism but open to different interpretations. As i woke the name San Po is in my mind. There were lots of souls visiting him for healing, his place is amazing, full of symbols of his education to get him to the plane of being an astral healer. We are lucky there are people as high as him in this world doing that work.

"I have to forgive my sons mother and a big part of me despises and rejects her because if there is a place where she and i see eye to eye, we both avoid it. We come right up close to that place and then turn away from it."

Sending you this is the bravest thing i have done in a long long time. I was texting with my friend and this all came out.

Politics is a distraction from what is important, people, our loved ones, humanitarianism, looking after each other. I have to forgive my sons mother and a big part of me despises and rejects her because if there is a place where she and i see eye to eye, we both avoid it. We come right up close to that place and then turn away from it. My parents were the same, i watched them do it my whole life through and never discussed it, by the time i could talk i had given up trying to explain it to them and the schizm turned eventually to hate and it damaged me, it took them over and they consciously damaged me from it. Had i not failed, had i been able to explain it to them as a child, or been wiling to try as an adult, our family would have been closer, i would have been stronger. I blame myself for the hate that happened because i did not love them enough to heal them or at least try to by telling them what had happened. Every time they nearly settled on a level with each other, they were like magnets who attracted toward that balance and then at the last moment, repelled that balance. It was how they protected their fragile self identities instead of giving themselves over to each other completely which would have allowed love to flow through them and unite them completely. Letting go of the self so that nature can flow through us and we can be in bliss. And with parents that's often a sexual thing or at least a hug. But we damage ourselves and each other instead, so that it becomes harder and harder to let go and connect. Whoever gives over first, is consumed not by love but by the other ones self control, and the one persons ego eats both partners. In normal language we insult each others egos and if we accept one to be dominant, it bends both partners away from being straight enough to function socially. We call it being in love. So we let the hate come in instead and make a pretence which is so obvious that it does not satisfy and we all end up resenting the fakeness we trap ourselves into. The solution is simple - kiss and make up. Not for the sake of the kids only but for the sake of ourselves and each other and love and a better reality. Instead we turn each other into haters and the hate becomes the foundation of our childs world, the stability he knows and will recreate all his own life. Because we are afraid of letting go and becoming natural and rejoicing in the high our child needs to be stronger than we are, so we stay below that high. We need to work constantly to help each other stay there. It is our job, it is what family means. It is what successful parents can do. And so we face our failing that despite it all, our ego grandeur, our social face, we have failed because we do not do the simple thing of looking into that place and accepting it as a strength. Despite whatever other lovers we may take, it is our love and we are too broken to re-establish it as the world we live in. When we do, our child grows in that light.

The problem is that the programming from the mind, it takes over so instead of our heart-minds connecting as one, our programmed minds connect and that is where all the disagreement and confusion in the world comes from. I can analyse this and see it for what it is and explain it. I don't know if I am a pure enough creature to achieve it and that is because nobody can do so by themself. It requires the willingness of two people to get there. I don't expect we can but at least we can have a frame of reference about human emotional and mental psychology to use, by being aware of it.

Both need to be selfless and face it head on. Allow yourselves to be overcome by the same positive passionate attraction you felt when you first met and hold that level. A lot of the pain which is the operational base, is because you both need to go back into that space together and re-affirm it. It requires both being selfless together. Not easy especially when our nature has that destructive element. Both deserve to make each other happy, to gift each other that positive flow and to function as one.

You can turn each each other into the bliss which you prevent each other from being. Normally people judge each other for deviating from it but we forget we are all facing the same self doubt and insecurity. We deviate because we try to avoid creating a negativity reverberation and in doing so, we create a different sort, a confusion sort of negativity. Trying to hide our own monstrous nature we instead create it. Forgiveness and acceptance are the two words describing how to get back there, not as words but as actions in living  realtime, together.

I believe that a bad translation of the garden of eden story put gender roles onto psychology concepts. A lot of mess and confusion came from that. It is about partners forgetting to energize each other with love, wholly, involving thoughtlessly hugging and not rejecting that from each other in a fit of unworthyness but embracing it. So they called the deviation by a female name, eve, and in doing so they blamed women for something which both genders do. It is because she represents the yin yielding flowing aspect of the self and usually people are stubborn yang which we call the mind and ego being set against the idea of returning to eden, the made heaven which a couples love creates. So the couples perpetually create a difficulty neither can overcome easily.

Thanks for seeing the point i am trying to explain. I wish i could explain it to all separated parents because it would help the kids to have a more stable family life and it would help the adults to be more peaceful inside and with each other. It is okay to love your ex, passionately, emotionally, physically, kindly, as a friend, we are meant to. Society teaches us to be disfunctional, that we are wrong if we act on feelings toward our ex, wrong if we support them. society encourages us to go against human nature, to go against healing ourselves and our partner.

I believe this is what the word husband and wife is designed to mean originally, partners who heal each other by stabilizing each other in a place of bliss. Then we can make better, less tortured lives, decisions, art, worlds, it is what being successful truly is.

All it takes is holding someone you love in a hug for more than 20 seconds so their brain releases endorphines. We have kids by this angel and we cant even do that much for ourselves and for them. No wonder our species is doomed. I try to hug my ex at an appropriate moment and she shouts rape and throws me half way across the room, the rejection hurt becomes the world our son grows up in. Because stubborn human nature is more powerful than the individuals ability to evolve. And this is about evolution into higher dimensions, through simple human interaction. We get off on punishing ourselves and each other and the kids instead of healing. This is why humans are facing extinction, it is the main reason. It can all be cured by letting our shields down so our light can shine through and simply holding each other, holding each other high like we do for the kids when they need comfort. Why is it so difficult for us to overcome our fear enough to do it?